Ayurveda: Romantic Relationships Through the Lens of the Elements

Shantree Kacera, RH., DN., Ph.D.

Thousands of years ago, philosophers and scientists in ancient India devised Ayurveda, or “the science of life,” which explains the nature of everything in the universe. 

The 5 Elements of Ayurvedic Medicine?

Ayurveda bases its theory on the existence of five elements – basic principles or building blocks, which are the basis of life of the whole universe (the macrocosm), as well as our body (the microcosm), and are known as the five great elements: air; fire; water, earth, ether.

Ancient wisdom to modern-day relationships, an exciting integrated new way to measure compatibility with lovers, friends, co-workers, and family, and arming them with the insight they need to make all their relationships work.

The Law of Relationship says that we are all connected, and we are here to help each other learn and grow. We feel the same emotions; we share the same experiences. We face challenges and heartache, no matter where we live or how we live. Each of us experiences some loss in this lifetime. People come and go from our lives, whether by choice or by circumstance. How we cope with these events affects how we move forward, see the world, and feel about our lives.  

As we move through Kapha, Pitta and Vata in our life, we will travel through Kapha, Pitta and Vata in our relationship. 

Prakruti – Balanced 
Vikruti – Imbalanced

Vata-Air Characteristics: The Multi-tasker
(Nervous System)

Vata-dominant types are quick, creative, and expressive. They are quick to learn, quick to forget, and may get cold quickly. 

In balance, they are stimulating company — they have exceptional intellects. 

Out of balance, they can become stressed out, nervous, and worried.

The Vata type, governed by the element air, tends to have a more flighty way of life. Their energy can be quite all over the place, and they may change their mind often; it’s a full-time job trying to keep up with what’s changed since you had lunch with the Vata type. Always full of ideas, innovation, vision, and very open-minded to new things. We all know someone who comes up with unique new ideas and concepts and releases them into the world, yet hardly ever follows through to the end.

Vata tends to get bored quickly and restless and will strive to find entertainment in many places.

Yet this type also wants to achieve and push and ignore their limitations with irregular spurts of energy throughout the day.

What Vatas need in a relationship

Freedom of expression. Give them space to freely sing, dance, emote, play, whatever. They will get sad if they feel they don’t have the allowance or the area to express themselves.

Confidence builders. We all know confidence comes from the inside, but vatas are emotionally sensitive and tend to be self-doubters. So while they work on building their faith from the inside, kind words of encouragement from the outside helps too. 

Feeling safe. They need to feel safe, grounded like they can screw up, and it’s ok and judgement-free. If they feel like they are walking on eggshells, it will constrict them and is not a confidence builder!

Point out what they do right. This goes along with confidence. Point out what they do well instead of pointing out what they missed. Then you can always say something like, “If you want to take it to the next level, you could do this or this a little better.

How do you love a Vata?

Vatas need to be cuddled and hugged. Vatas think that they want lots of lovemaking, but this is ungrounding and not beneficial to them. Once or twice a week is perfect for Vata. In between, enjoy a massage, snuggling and lots of hugs.

Holding Vata in a bear hug will calm the initial restlessness and turn this rigid soul into a softly purring kitten. Giving your Vata honey a sweet haven to come home to is the greatest gift you can give her.

Vata Love

Vata love is full of eccentricities, and Vata’s partners are simply charming. This love is a bit wild, a bit impulsive, and always on-the-go for something new to explore. Vata’s nature is such, ever-flowing and adapting with an agility that instantly makes a sweet and soft Kapha or a passionate Pitta rush towards them head-over-heels. A Vata lover is always seeking everything at once. The key to his/her heart is not to anchor the instincts but to point them in a direction. With a bit of focus and inspiration, they can hold together their scattered energies, not feeling lost in search of a path. Once inspired, their love will be filled with creative expressions and off-beat adventures.

Sex
Vata types long for romance, beauty, and creative expression. Their partners would be wise to indulge these cravings because doing so will help relieve the anxiety that inhibits these individuals’ desire for sex. Despite their love of novelty, vatas find comfort in traditional values and routines. They’re likely to find sex more fulfilling when encounters are planned and include old-fashioned courtship rituals and plenty of mental and physical foreplay. 

Pitta-Fire Characteristics: The Fire Cracker
(Metabolic System)

Pitta-dominant types are fiery and passionate. They need and want to accomplish. 

In balance, they love a good challenge; they can be unsurpassed in creativity and fun. 

However, out of balance, they can be combative, controlling, and competitive, and may try to out-perform their partner. Pittas can be quick to anger, but with patience, compassion, and a little space, they can efficiently cool down.

Remember the person with the fire in the belly, full of drive and energy? This is a Pitta quality, and the fire in the belly represents the fire element in this type. It also means that this person has robust digestion and a high metabolic rate. We are talking about the digestive fire, Agni, that burns hot in this type.

Feeling wronged, Pitta’s fire may ignite and burn all bridges; forgiveness is not a well-used word in Pitta’s vocabulary. Though Pitta tends to be hot-headed, deep down, they crave harmony more than anyone else. You will be Pitta’s best friend and most fantastic lover if you know when to nod your head. Yes, and let them be right in their way. Once cooled down, Pitta will see reason.

What Pittas need in a relationship

Follow through. If you promise a pitta, you’ll get it done, get it done. If you promise them you’ll be there, show up. 

Time. Pittas are obsessed with time and never feel like they have enough. If you allow pitta to take some extra time, they will be so thankful!

Recognition. Pittas are workhorses so giving them THANKS and KUDOS once in a while goes a long way. Sometimes all they do goes unnoticed, so a little recognition gives them a bit of fuel in their fire to keep going. They will love you for it!

To know your Intent. Just tell them what you’re doing. If you’re going to be late, text them. If you can’t get it done on time, let them know and tell them when you can. Pittas are not angry sticklers (in most cases); they want to know what to expect. If you are mysteriously flaking, it will drive a wedge in your relationships.

How do you love a Pitta?

Pittas love hugs, praise and thank you. They love to hear the word “thank you,” and they LOVE it when you do something nice for them to show their appreciation. Pittas are passionate in the bedroom and like to have their needs met. Know that you are in for some fire in the bedroom!

Pitta Love

Pitta love is intense and passionate. Its adventures are slightly different from Vata’s. A Pitta lover is drawn towards thrill; however, he/she is well calculated with its risk-taking explorations. His is the love with no in-betweens. They either go all in or keep things relatively close to their chest, and that’s precisely why they tend to win big and also lose big. They adore a bit of pampering now and then. Attention flatters and soothes the raging love of a Pitta personality. With the right amount of shared surrenders in a relationship, their love shines bright. Just like in an intense tango, a Pitta lover admires the thrill and lead. 

Sex

Pitta types are fiery, attention-seeking, ambitious, and passionate by nature and tend to think of themselves as amazing lovers. However, their unreliability and impatience may prove frustrating for their partners. Their tendency to view sex as competition may prevent them from ever experiencing complete satisfaction. They gravitate toward spontaneous encounters and may seek to dominate their partners. To invigorate, elevate, and lend more in-depth meaning to their sexual relationships, pitta types should focus on channelling their super-intense energy through the heart rather than their sex organs or intellect.

Kapha-Water Characteristics: The Bear
(Fluid Systems)

Kapha-dominant types are soft, sweet, and nurturing.

In balance. Their laid-back demeanour makes others around them feel at ease and comfortable.

Out of balance, they tend towards lethargy, weight gain, and feelings of sadness or apathy. They need gentle motivation and reminders to stay on track in their desires and goals.

The Kapha type is the person who will have a hard time leaving the warm and cozy comforter behind and kicking themselves out of bed and into the day. Off to a slow start, once this person gets rolling, they gain momentum and keep going at steady energy all day long.

To be a great friend and partner, you have to treat Kapha like your enemy. Kick them out of bed in the morning, hide their car keys and remote control and make them move. This person may react like a grumpy bear, but don’t be scared; beneath all the growling is a happy person to have you in their life, caring about them and pushing them to their excellent.

What Kaphas need in a relationship

To be Included. They love the people so bring em along!! Make sure you invite and include a Kapha because they love nothing more than to be amidst happy people having a great time. They will remember it forever, and you’ll bring lightness to their spirit.

Nudging. Kaphas don’t move around on their own. To inspire them to try new things or go to new places, you’ll have to nudge them. Keep it fun and upbeat; make sure they know it’s doable and that it’s going to be great! Note for kaphas: If you’re too stubborn, they won’t include you because they will be worn out from trying.

Adventure. Again, they likely won’t do this independently, but it’s what they need from others. Kaphas do love an experience once they try it — it’s getting from the point of thinking it’s a fun idea to doing it. They need others to bring them along and give them a delightful taste of adventure!

Kindness. Kaphas carry the weight of other peoples’ emotions, projects, expectations, timelines, etc., all the time, so be kind to them. They don’t need a lot of gushing (in fact, they would rather die than have people gush over them); they need sincere kindness, to offer a hand, to check in with them and make sure they are right. Treat them kindly because they work so hard. They don’t need anything fancy, remind them they are loved.

How do you love a Kapha? We all need Kapha to slow us down, make us pause, and remind us to live our lives. As the song goes, “What the world needs now, is Kapha, sweet Kapha.” Without Kapha, the natural kindness that exudes from our hearts and connects us to others would be forgotten. Embrace a Kapha. Embrace love!

Kapha Love

Kapha love feels like coming home after a tiring day. It is all about giving unconditionally and loving faithfully. With endless endurance, its capacity to love comes in abundance. The steadiness of a Kapha love nurtures the wilderness of a Vata, and the calmness relaxes a Pitta. More than anything else, a Kapha lover has got plenty of love to share with the world. It’s easy for him/her to express as soon as he/she has someone to show their love to; however, for it to bloom, their commitment needs to meet gratitude and a bit of spontaneity. Once the love is stimulated enough, it is like the sight of a flowing river on a midsummer afternoon.

Sex

A Kapha person is enduring, nurturing, hardworking, balanced, and determined. The true and deeply sensual nature of kaphas can go a long way toward sustaining a happy marriage and healthy sexual relations. Their downside as partners is that they may become overly attached, turning into needy, possessive “clingers” with an insatiable hunger for attention. Initially, it may take time to stimulate kaphas or spark their interest in sexual activity, as they’re naturally inclined to conserve their energy. Once they’re aroused, however, kaphas truly relish the sex. These individuals benefit from exercise and can be easily persuaded to regard sex as a highly pleasurable form of exercise that balances their heavy energy and satisfies their desire to be nurtured and loved.

Final Thoughts

The old rhetoric “Different Strokes For Different Folks” does apply, and getting a glimpse of who you are and the people important in your life can lead to a happy and long-lasting friendship and romance.

For the best possible sex life with your partner, show genuine consideration for their dosha (natural state). Understand that your sexual partner’s physical, mental, and emotional needs may differ from yours. Have patience and compassion in adapting to your partner’s desires, treat your partner with care as the two of you learn about each other’s doshic biorhythms, and then find the balance that works for you both.