Reclaiming Joy – Love’s Sacrifice for Love

Here I am in my 70’s and still the healing from childhood isn’t finished. Not that I ever expected it to, but it shows me the depths of healing that is needed in this dysfunctional industrial culture. In the beautiful world that is coming children will not have to deal with society-invoked traumas. That will be something of the past and incomprehensible actually.  In the meantime this is the work that my and younger generations have been gifted with as we move through what Joanna Macy calls – The Great Turning. And I am serious when I say ‘gifted’. To be called to do this deep inner work of transforming the generational patterns that are inherited or passed on by culture or trauma so that future generations no longer have to deal with this is for me, a privilege that I take seriously. There is not one phobia that I have worked with in myself or with thousands of clients and students that does not stem from the culture we have created. Therefore, when I heal myself, it’s a drop in the collective consciousness that supports the healing of others and the transformation to a more beautiful world.

I share this story because, while my personal life experiences are unique to me, the patterns are not. Writing this is certainly supportive to my heart. Hopefully to yours as well.

This morning at the end of my practice I spread my arms wide and could feel the tingling exuberance of feeling fully alive. I felt free, powerful, abundant and in deep gratitude for being alive. Then I thought about the Earth and her suffering. I have know for a long time that when I am in these heightened states of connection the feelings I invoke are what draws my future to me. I immediately felt guilty, wondering if the abundance I felt would draw yet more resources from the Earth. Bringing my hands back to my heart I could once again feel the pain of the Earth. An oh so familiar feeling.  It was then that the realization came.

Twenty five years ago I did a solo vision quest near Lake Superior. A magnificent and powerful place for visioning. Just before leaving I was counselled by a native elder to do a ‘Clarity Quest’. This involves beginning at my time of birth or before and writing everything I could remember. I did this in 12-year segments. I have little memory of events up until 6 years old so didn’t think much would happen. I created ritual space and entered ‘the zone’. Almost immediately I remembered myself as a few months old sitting in a little chair that was on the kitchen table. I was unconditional love. No conscious mind or emotions, no body – just love. Totally connected to source energy. It was beautiful to feel this. I was also very aware of a deep sadness that filled my mom’s heart. As unconditional love, and totally in love with mom I sought to bring her joy. This is just what unconditional love does. I learned quickly what made her smile and come out of her inner world of pain. But what worked one day didn’t the next. By three years old I was totally confused and had forgotten who I was.

From that point on I could never allow myself to be too full of joy, too exuberant, too powerful. For if I did I felt it would make her pain even greater. I suffered with her. I realize this may sound strange, but what I’ve come to see is that as children our love is so deep for our parents that we shape-shift ourselves so they don’t feel greater pain. It’s of course not something a child ‘thinks’ to do. It’s just what they do. In doing this they have to put a part of themselves on the back burner.  

My mom was a wonderful woman and raised us with great love and devotion. She would have never wanted me to do this. She loved helping others who were in pain. She’s listen for hours to their problems. She said it helped her to better appreciate her life. I gave her a sad and introspective child who she could tend to. As long as she was giving she was happier. Children have their own unique way of translating and taking on the pains of their parents – each child to different degrees. Unreasonable to the adult mind, yet fully comprehensible to the child’s soul.  I often wondered why I had to live on the other side of the country in order to follow my path. It was partly an abusive father. Needing to distance myself from my mom for the first twenty years of my adulthood told me there was something amiss. This was why.

What I saw this morning was profound. It was an unconscious belief that has shaped my life in so many ways.  The belief that I could not be too joyful, empowered and abundant in order to protect my mom was translated to my relationship with Mother Earth. ‘How dare I be exuberant when she suffers.’ Of course this is the very attitude that will keep me from truly being of value to Earth.

Is there any other-than-human-being that Earth creates that isn’t totally in its power, living the life it were born to? And in being true to themselves, are they then not of value to the larger community of which they are part? Think of an oak tree. By being fully Oak it is of great service to the eco-system that it is part of, providing homes for so many, food, shelter, mulch to build the soil, and much more. The Earth needs all of us to be strong and fully embodied in our truth and purpose = more so than ever. In other words, she needs us to be who we are designed to be. In this we are of service. No effort, no ego, no trying or pushing – just the beauty of Self in expression, unencumbered by patterns of limitation. This is the source of joy, love, creativity, compassion power and peace.

Bringing oneself into heightened vibrational states – or creating a resonant field – as I was in this morning, allows for patterns of this nature to not only be realized, but also be transformed.  Meaning that my vibrational field has changed. When one’s vibrational signature changes it draws different experiences. For example – sad people usually draw sad experiences to them, angry people draw angry experiences, and on and on. This is rather simplistic, and not always easy to recognize but you can be sure that your world is the mirror to your inner landscape. Changing one’s inner world changes one’s outer world.      

I must say, I love this work. It’s the path to freedom and joy. It’s also, for me, the path to service, which I also love. It’s in my service I discover who I am. Until one gives oneself to something you never really know what you’re made of. It remains a thought or dream. And it has to be something bigger than yourself. There’s a great joy in being of value to a larger purpose. It just so happens that I am in love with this Earth. She needs me to be fully alive, embodied in my joy and passion. I am thankful to this childhood pattern, as I know it was important in bringing me to who I am now.

Some say that in freeing oneself from any patterns that keep us bound, be they from cultural indoctrinations or traumas born from a culture that is terribly out of balance, we free our ancestors and future generations. I believe this. We are at a very important time in the Earth’s history. We need to wake up and stop the destruction caused by unconscious behaviour, be fully who we are, reclaim our joy, power and authority and let love be the guiding force once again. There is a more beautiful world just behind the veil of illusion. Let’s embrace it.

Thank you for allowing me to share this with you. I hope it was a blessing in some simple way.

In love and peace,